I Think I Might Be Over the Hump

This is what I feel like right now...

Okay, well after a week long food bender, I think I am finally coming up over the hump. The only thing that is super unhealthy that is left in my house to eat is tortilla chips with spicy queso dip. And I must admit, I will finish those today. Sad, and embarrassing, but writing about it does make me feel better. I can't talk to my fiance' about anything like this because he just throws it back in my face when we have a fight. I once told him that I used to eat spoonfuls of sugar to satisfy the craving, and when we fought, he totally said, "At least I don't eat spoonfuls of sugar like a crack head." Yeah that helps me. So blogging is the only way I get to talk about stuff. I have a couple of friends, but talking is few and far between and I feel like they just wouldn't understand. So my blog is my friend, I guess. I think it did kind of serve as a small therapy for me. Not enough to make me kick addiction's butt, but enough to make me realize what is going on with me. I don't know if I will ever get a grip on my food addiction. I may continue to diet and then have week long benders when problems arise. Maybe someday I'll figure out another way to "escape" or just to deal with my issues head on. I don't know. I can't even begin to speculate on what the future holds with an addiction. I kind of wish I was addicted to crack or cocaine or something that I could just quit. I feel kind of hopeless to beat it. However, I am getting very tired of my stomach cramping and gurgling and having to rush to the bathroom because of the foods that I am eating. Some of the things I have eaten are completely terrible and slightly revolting, but my brain thought of them, not because they taste so wonderful (some did though), but because they satisfy that craving to just temporarily escape my world of disappointments and failures and just feel good for one moment. Sugar and butter creamed together seem to do the trick the best (gross, huh?). I have yet to find anything that replaces that high for me or even comes close. Once the chips and dip are gone, I think I can start to ease my way back into better eating. We'll see about the exercise.