Discouraged . . . Tired . . . Mental Rollercoaster

So me...on many days!

Well, it stopped raining this morning, so I went to my weigh in at the weight loss clinic. This is my last one per the Groupon. Well, according to their scale, I maintained. It's my own fault that I don't have bigger losses. I know that. My mind/emotions are all over the place. One day I'm doing great, and I'm feeling good. Then the next day I eat things I'm not supposed to and I don't exercise, and I'm ready to throw in the towel. I just don't have the willpower to do this on my own. I've tried and failed too many times to count. I just don't have it in me. I am unhappy either way I go. If I just give up then I am unhappy because I am overweight and not doing anything about it, clothes don't fit, won't enjoy the beach, etc. However, I have small times of happiness brought on by the foods that I eat. If I am trying to diet and exercise I am also unhappy. I hate eating "diet food". I pretend like it's good, but secretly I just want to spit it out. I hate exercising and being hot. I always slip up on eating and exercising (especially drinking water) and then I beat myself up about it and end up not losing weight anyway. So I stay stuck in the same place. I get all geared up like I'm really gonna do it this time, I do well for a couple weeks, and that's it. I am just not the kind of person who can do this sort of thing on my own. I wish I had more support and willpower. Like I need a live-in diet and exercise buddy. I need someone who is not going to eat fried chicken in front of me when I need to be eating grilled chicken and a salad. I need someone who will exercise with me instead of taking a nap while I need to be working out. I also have no space for exercise in our apartment. It is too small and the kids just have to be wherever I am. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but sometimes I wish I had some time/space to myself other than just the bathroom (if I lock to door).  The B12 vitamins gave me so much more energy, but I guess that my body has adjusted because now I'm right back to being super tired again. I just feel like giving up. Like, what's the point? It is just too hard for me to try to commit and really do something about my weight when I am the only one in my family that is doing it. My kids would just do what I'm doing, so they are really not my problem most of the time. Though they really do kill me with wanting sweets all the time, cuz I'm all like, "Yeah, I want ice cream too!" LOL Their father, my fiance', is really the one that bothers me. I mean, it's his body and his life, and if he doesn't want to diet and exercise, it's his decision. But at the same time it's really hard for me to be motivated to work out when he isn't doing it with me. I'm all by myself. And eating healthy is super hard when he is still eating pizza, and white bread and fast food. I mean, I know the incentive of being healthy and losing weight and looking great should be enough for me, but it isn't. I need a partner to keep me motivated and keep me going. Like I said, I'm just not strong enough alone. I know I joined BuddySlim for the support, but (and no offense to any other BuddySlimmers) it is just not enough for me. I am going to put in writing some things I've known, but didn't want to say/write out loud. Here it goes: I am lazy. I know it. I need a babysitter for dieting and exercising. Okay. I said it. I admit it. "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars should be my theme song. Good day.

The Lazy Weekend

Well, this weekend has been pretty lazy. I really didn't do much of anything. I have procrastinated on my school work in Learning & Development for far too long. Now I have to finish my last two tasks in the next two days. Ugh. I hate when I procrastinate, but can't seem to stop myself sometimes. Today my plan is to just hang out until around lunch time and then I plan to take the kiddos to the mall. We need to get some new shoes. We also could use some new summer clothes. I don't think I have more than two pair of shorts. That will not cut it in Florida heat!

As far as my diet and exercise goes for today, I am going to try to do better today than yesterday. I will be walking around the mall, so I will get some exercise like that today. I will try to eat a lot better today. I ate ribs and sausage yesterday. So bad...so fattening....but also so good tasting...(bad girl! lol) I will be super impressed with myself if I can manage to avoid the Great American Cookie Company at the mall. Their cookies are so addictive, tasty and EVIL. Especially cookie sandwiches. They are two HUGE cookies with about an inch of icing in between them. I must avoid it. I know if I go near it the kids are going to want one for sure!

Well, here's to hopefully having a good day today and finding some good deals on shoes and clothes!

End to a Pretty Good Day

This is probably what I look like if I sit on the curb like that...LOL

Yep. It was a pretty good day. I did pretty well today. I am working on my last bottle of water for day. We had a good dinner. I made a potato and apple hash with onions, baked thin pork chops and mac & cheese. I only had a couple bites of mac & cheese and not even a whole pork chop. I did have a craving for icing earlier for some reason and I just couldn't shake the thought of its creamy, sugary goodness. So I whipped up about four tablespoons full of it just to get rid of the craving. I didn't even eat it all. Just put some on a graham cracker and I was good with that. Sometimes if I don't give in to the craving just a little, it plagues me and I end up overeating on other foods trying to satisfy the craving with something else. I think it's sometimes better to just give in and eat a little bit of something unhealthy to satisfy a craving rather than to end up eating more calories in healthier foods trying to satisfy it, but never really doing it.

I am not sure what we will be doing tomorrow, but I do know that I will be weighing in on BuddySlim tomorrow. I am excited and am hoping for a big loss! It would be really great! Here's hoping for another good day tomorrow and many more after that! Good Night!

Getting Back on Track

Alright! No more pizza temptation. It is all gone. I am totally back on track today! I had a properly portioned bowl of Dulce de Leche Cheerios with Lactose free skim milk and a banana for breakfast. Then just a little while ago I had a broiled zucchini with part skim mozzarella and some Mrs. Dash for flavor over some mixed brown rice and sushi rice. I have only had two bottles of water so far, but I will get it in by the end of the day. I also have been on a cleaning spree this morning, so I'm sure that I have burned a few calories as well. I vacuumed, swept and dusted. Cleaned the kids room (that won't last long), the livingroom and both bathrooms. I just have to finish the kitchen (mostly just dishes...in the dishwasher...lol) and our bedroom.

Today has been pretty good! I hope it continues this way all day. Maybe we will get our car back finally after the shop has had it for about a month! It's a complicated situation there. I'll just say that next time we will be taking it to someone we don't know who can fix it for us.

Well, I have to go pick up my darling daughter from her VPK class! I will probably check in again today. I feel like I might have more to say. This is good. I am so glad to be back on track!

I am also weighing in tomorrow for BuddySlim.com and I'm very optimistic that despite my setback, I will have a loss! I hope a big one!

Pizza is a common denominator it seems

I really do <heart> pizza....*sigh*

I read MJ's post about her craving for pizza. I thought that was odd since I too wanted pizza yesterday. Although I did actually eat it. But I ate well for the rest of the day and did well for breakfast too. However...that last slice of pizza was staring at me and calling my name for lunch today. I caved. I ate it. I also ate the last few forkfuls of spaghetti. Way to many carbs and calories. But that is what happens when I stress. I really have to let it go until the moment I have to deal with it. Stressing about it over a period of time just causes a snowball effect. I stress, then i eat, then feel bad about eating, so I stress over gaining weight...yada yada yada. You get the gist...vicious cycle. I must break it this time or I will be right back where I started. I cannot do that. I was doing so well. I just need to pick myself up, let go of the stress for now, and get back on track for myself. I will try to have a very low calorie dinner to make up for lunch. Maybe a shrimp and spinach salad. Sounds good to me! Well, I must go pick up my daughter from school and my son from his Paw-Paw's house. I have gotten next to nothing accomplished this morning! I have got to let the stress go and get on with my life until I can deal with it properly. I am totally rambling today! I also want to move to another state, but don't know how I can accomplish that with no money and no resources where I want to go. Anyone live in South Carolina or Northeast Georgia that want to let me and my kids live with them for a while? LOL

Well . . . I didn't do it

If I saw a big one in my house, I might move out and let the spider have it.

Things did not happen as I thought they would tonight and so I didn't confront the person today. I may have to do it tomorrow. Certain circumstances must be present for this confrontation to count. Maybe I am just a chicken. No, I have the courage, just not the circumstances that I needed. I will know when they present themselves. In the meantime, I am taking precautionary measures to try and learn all I can about the options I have. No sense going into this totally blind, right? I just hate what I might have to do as a result. Did you ever know you had to do something that would really suck at the beginning...so much so that you might wish you didn't do it, but know that in the end it would be better for you? Yep, that's where I am right now. I'm thinking, this is going to suck so bad. But I know that in the long run, it will work out way better. Well, I hope so anyway. Because once I cross that line I can't go back. I just hope that once I make the leap that there is something to land on.

Stressing...

My stomach is churning from the stress I feel right now. I have to do something today that I really don't want to do. I have been avoiding it for the past couple of weeks. I'm nervous about the outcome of it, but it has to be done. I am not going to go into details right now. I will later, once this is over. I just needed to vent about it somewhere. I have to keep my courage up. I can't back down and I can't let my anxiety about it derail my intentions. I do not like confrontation, and I avoid it usually. I hardly ever raise my voice. My voice doesn't carry anyway. But I have to have a confrontation today. It could go one of two ways. Either the person is honest and admits to wrongdoing and we can move on, or the person will deny wrongdoing and a fight will ensue. If the first scenario plays out, then I can move on, and give person a final choice in either correcting the problem or choosing not to. The person knows the consequences of choosing not to, which is why deceit is involved. If the second scenario plays out, and a fight ensues. It could be just an argument or it could escalate to the point of police being called. If that happens, then my choice is clear and I will move forward from there. I hate even being put into this situation. I had hoped that it would never come to this again. But it has, and so I must deal with it. I cannot ignore it as I have in the past. I must keep my resolve and courage. I can do this. I will do this. I must do this.

Weight Loss Clinic Appointment & Generosity

I swear that's what my scale thinks sometimes.

Well, I had my weight loss clinic appointment today. I have them every Tuesday morning. I go and weigh in, they take measurements and I get my next round of supplements. Today, their scale said I lose 4.2 pounds! Whoo-hoo! This is off from my weigh ins on BuddySlim.com on Fridays/Saturdays. So I get two weigh ins! I also lost 4.5 inches as well. I am super psyched! I am also looking forward to weighing in this week and having another loss! Go me...go me...(do the cabbage patch here). Like I said, I also pick up my next round of supplements. So far I have found over the counter replacements for all of them that contain the same amounts, except the metabolic enhancer. To be honest, I haven't really looked for the replacement for that yet. There are so many ingredients in that one to compare. But I have to do it in the next couple of weeks. I only have one more appointment next Tuesday and then my Groupon will have run out. I just can't afford to go every week. With the weigh ins, measurements and supplements, it comes out to around $100 a week, depending on the supplements you get. That's just out of my price range. But I feel like I now have the tools and knowledge to continue on my own. Plus finding out about the anemia and correcting my vitamin deficiency has greatly helped me and was well worth the price of the Groupon in my eyes!

Today, my fiance's father also called me and asked if I wanted to bring the kiddos and go to the local meat market. I gratefully accepted. He offered to buy us enough meats to begin to fill our new freezer (which he also bought for us out of the blue). I really appreciate everything that he does for us. We didn't ask for a freezer or food to go in it, he just bought it and had it delivered to us...SURPRISE! It was a great surprise. So was the trip to the meat market. I got lots of meats and got them at super low prices. I made sure to get as many lean meats as possible. But I also got some regular ones for the rest of my family since they are not dieting. I got crawfish, shrimp, fish, bacon, rib eye steaks, pork chops, chicken leg quarters, skinless-boneless chicken breasts, a rack of ribs, a pork shoulder and various sausages. It was an amazing haul. It took me about two hours to package all of it and put it in the freezer. He also grows tons of vegetables in pots in his yard, and told me that in a couple weeks I need to come harvest them! I will gladly eat those! He planted cabbage, zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, cucumbers and lemon cucumbers. I've never had those, but they sound interesting! He is so generous towards us. I wish we could do more for him. My son stays at his house every Thursday while my daughter is in school. Josh loves going over there, and his Paw-Paw loves him being there. He looks forward to it every week. I don't really need him to watch Josh, but they both have such a good time that I like to take him over there. I just can't believe how generous he has been...I can't get over it. I really appreciate that man. I will have to try harder to make sure he knows just how much.

Busy , Busy . . .

Wow! I have been pretty busy these past few days. I have been doing pretty well sticking to my diet. I have not done well with exercise. I have tried to at least play with my kids, do housework and maybe dance a bit so I have some sort of exercise. Pretty much every morning I have the same breakfast...the toast with Laughing Cow Strawberry Cream Cheese and strawberries. I like it and its easy, so I don't mind having it everyday. I've been struggling with dinner portions. I am getting better at it, I guess it just takes practice and not giving up. I have also done great with my water consumption. I have been drinking at least five bottles of water everyday. I used to drink ZERO water everyday...so this is AMAZING for me!

Sooooooooooooo Sadly True!!!

Like I said, I've been pretty busy. I have a deadline for my current class of the end of this week. So I have been working on my assignments to try to get them all turned in and passed by the deadline. So far I have done all of them, but passed only three of them. I just turned in a revised assignment a couple minutes ago, so hopefully I pass that one, or at least need minimal revisions. I do have one assignment that is annoying me. I have revised it twice, and still didn't pass and I don't understand why. I have contacted my course mentor, so hopefully they can steer me in the right direction.

I met with my daughter's VPK (voluntary pre-kindergarten for you non-Floridians) teacher today to discuss her progress for this year. She is so smart, so I wasn't surprised to hear that she has done wonderfully this year and has improved vastly from the beginning of the year. As far as vocabulary goes, her teacher actually said that she is totally ready to begin learning to read. So I think we will be working on that this summer. She also does well in math, but doesn't seem to enjoy it. I hate that. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE math. I still print out algebra sheets from the computer just to do the problems for FUN. That's how much I love math. I hope that I can rub off on her in the coming years and she will grow to love math too. She may just think its boring now, but maybe she'll be like me and once she starts doing challenging math problems, she'll love it. Here's hoping!

I hope that the rest of this week goes well. I also have my weigh in and appointment at the weight loss clinic tomorrow morning. I hope my weight loss registers on their scale! Don't you hate it when your scale says you lost five pounds, but then when you get on a different scale it says you only lost two pounds! It just kills me! I feel like either my scale is way off, or I somehow gained three pounds since I left my house! WTH? So frustrating!

I am also trying to plan the surprise camping trip for this weekend. I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off though. I still have supplies to get, then there's the food planning (if I wing it, I know I'll gain weight!), and getting the site, all while keeping it a surprise from my fiance'! If I pull this off, I will be soooooooooo impressed with myself. Here's hoping for that too! But I know that if I can't swing it for this weekend, there's always next weekend, right?

Well, I'm going to try to go to bed. I think my five hour energy shot is finally wearing off. My eyelids are starting to get heavy....lol. Good night and good luck!

Just Some Words of Encouragement for Myself

We all have something that digs at us...dig me up from what is covering the better part of me.

Laughter is a clever medicine.

You should make amends with you if only for better health...but if you really want to live, why not try and make yourself.

I've waited all my life...if not now, when will I?

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear and I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer? Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel. Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found.

Pain hurts...but sometimes it's a good hurt and it feels like I'm alive.

Even diamonds start as coal.

So don't let the world bring you down...not everyone here is that messed up and cold. Remember why you came and while you're alive experience the warmth before you grow old.

Rediscovering Myself

The drawing I did last night. I like it. I might color it in and hang it up.

So, I found my old MP3 player from a few years ago. It has 157 songs on it. I put a new battery in it and turned it on. I LOVE these songs. And I felt renewed and energized listening to them. I let myself get sucked in by the music and dance to it...sing out loud and just feel the music. I love music. I had forgotten that. With life and all the distractions that come with it, I have totally lost parts of me. I had been feeling lost, like something was missing, for a long time now. I think I'm breaking the surface of what has been gone that I'm missing so much. For one thing, definitely music. I relate to the lyrics. I feel the artist's pain or happiness, or whatever feelings I get out of the music. Last night, when I was stressing out big time, and everything was getting on my nerves, I decided to take a time out and put on those headphones. I only listened to one song, but I listened to it twice. I felt so much better. I moved with the music. I punched the air, and I sang along. It was awesome. I felt revived. I put down the MP3 player and went back to what I was doing and no longer felt stressed. Later, once the kids were in bed, I ran a hot bath and added great smelling bath salts. I got in and submersed myself in the water. I then put on the those headphones and got lost in the music. Before I knew it, 45 minutes had passed. I got out of the bathtub feeling refreshed and inspired. I felt like drawing. I haven't done that in years! I used to draw a lot...mostly word art. Every now and I again I would get inspired to draw something else. I had forgotten that I like to do that. Music has opened my eyes and my mind again. I also remember how much I used to like changing up my hair and putting colors and texture in it and making it unique and awesome. I realized that I have had the exact same hair cut for over a year now. That never used to happen. I am going to try to get back to me and who I am. I have totally forgotten me, and now I'm beginning to remember again. I remember that I liked that person. That person was not overweight (well, a little, but not like now). That person didn't need to drown her sorrows and self pity with food. That person was happy. I've lost that. But I am going to get it back. I will have to make it fit into my new life, but I will get it back and be that happy person again.

Meals from 4/18/13

I'm working on this accountability thing. I'm trying. I really am. It just doesn't come naturally to me. But here are the meals that I took photos of from yesterday. And I realized something. I do great in the morning right on through lunch. I mean I do awesome...super awesome. But once the afternoon hits, I start sliding. Then once it's dinner time, I just go "off the grid." No accountability whatsoever. I know I'm overeating for my diet at dinnertime. I am also not eating the right foods at dinnertime. I've got to give myself a swift kick in the ass and get it in gear. I'm struggling, but I can do this. I've got to do this.

You've seen this breakfast before. Two slices of Nature's Own Honey Wheat toast, one wedge of strawberry Laughing Cow cream cheese spread and 3/4 cup of fresh strawberries. All this with water and my plethora of supplements in the upper left hand corner there. This is a very simple breakfast and it follows the rules on the diet from the weight loss clinic. I can also change it up by using cottage cheese instead of cream cheese. I could also use any other type of fruit, such as bananas, kiwis, cherries, orange, apple, etc. Easy breakfast to make and easy to change up if it gets boring. I like it.

 Next was my mid-morning snack. I usually start getting hungry around 10 or 11 in the morning. It is close to my lunch time, so a small snack works out perfectly. I had a whole small Granny Smith apple and I cut it into small, thin slices. I then laid them out on a microwaveable plate and sprinkled them with pumpkin pie spice. If you want, you can eat them like that and they taste great. I wanted a little warmth, however. So I microwaved them for about thirty seconds, just until they were a little warm, but not super soft. It was delicious! I think this snack will be repeated.

This was lunch. I had 3/4 cup of rice. It should be brown rice, but I'm still getting used to the taste, so I mixed half white rice and half brown rice. I'll keep increasing the proportions until I have all brown rice. I also had some bean sprouts sauteed in a little bit of low sodium soy sauce and garlic. I poured some of that sauce over my rice as well. On the side is 1/2 cup of fat free cottage cheese and 3/4 cup of fresh sliced strawberries. This lunch was easy and filling. See, I do awesome from breakfast through lunch. Now to tell the horrors of the afternoon snack and dinner. I did not take photos of that disaster.

Well, the afternoon started with the kids wanting a snack. We had some rice krispie type snacks that we make with marshmallows and Trix. So, I cut a couple of pieces to give the children. My son ate it and was good. My daughter did not like it and gave it back to me. I have real trouble throwing away perfectly good food. I ate it...ugh! Then they asked if they could have a piece of the Symphony bar they have had since Easter. I said sure. I broke each of them off a piece...and then I smelled the chocolate, and I couldn't resist. I had a very small piece...but still. Then I ate like 10 Starburst jellybeans. Then came time to prepare dinner. I wanted to make some tofu, some Korean pancakes with vegetables and edamame. The pancakes I had never made before, and I ended up making them too thick and so they were super oily. My daughter asked if I could fry the tofu, so I did. I shouldn't have fried anything. I should have sauteed the tofu in sauce with a touch of olive oil. But instead it was fried in vegetable oil. So were the pancakes. I should have done those in a thin layer of olive oil too. I then proceeded to eat entirely too much food. I'm not even sure how much I ate, but I am sure that it was too much. Especially of oily, fried foods. I am going to do better today. Writing this is kind of embarrassing, but I need to be accountable for myself and my choices. Here's to that.

I am Such a Complainer/Whiner!

It's that time of the month...the ladies know what I'm talking about...and I feel like such a complainer/whiner right now. I feel like crap. Constant headaches, cramps, extreme fatigue. Anything that would annoy me or stress me out is doing so at the speed of light. I hope the next few days goes by quickly. I had my fiance give me another B12 shot this morning. I am hoping that it will combat my sluggishness and whiny-ness.

I got my lab results from the medical weight loss clinic yesterday. The first thing that popped up as abnormal was my cholesterol. Get this...my cholesterol is LOW. I know, right? Weird. The problem is, that while my LDL (bad cholesterol is not high...it's pretty low but in normal range), my HDL (good cholesterol) is on the almost too low side. It was suggested to get that up to par, I should try to take a niacin supplement. I was told to find a flush-free supplement, as most niacin supplements have the unpleasant side effect of making you have hot flashes. Yeah...no thanks! I got the flush-free one. The next thing that came up abnormal was my blood counts. I've always known that I was border-line anemic, and when I have my monthly cycle (as heavy as it is) that it puts me over that edge and makes me totally anemic. Well, according to my blood work, I am now completely anemic all the time. And having my cycle makes me super anemic, to the point that all I want to do is sleep all the time. I've been doing research about anemia, and I'm learning a lot about it. Like I guess I knew that it meant that you didn't have a normal amount of blood, but I did not know that it meant that your organs do not get oxygen from your blood like they should. That explains why I am so tired all the time. My organs don't have enough oxygen to function properly, and it makes you sleepy. Apparently, there are a few different types of anemia as well. The mildest form requires iron supplements. I have taken those in the past and it didn't really help with my tiredness. Being that the B12 shot makes me feel better and have more energy, I am thinking that I have the second type of anemia. Megaloblastic anemia. With that type, you are deficient in vitamins B12, B6 and folic acid. People with chronic diseases are at high risk for that, and I was diagnosed with Crohn's or IBS a few years ago (the docs couldn't decide). The other type of anemia is so severe that you need blood transfusions on a regular basis. So, I don't think that's me. Several of my blood count levels were way below the normal range. They were as follows: Red blood cell count, hemoglobin, hematocrit, MCV, MCH, MCHC. I wasn't sure what some of those things were, so I did some research. (BTW, apparently I can clot like nobody's business...platelet count was only 3 points from being higher than normal) Hemoglobin is the actual protein in blood cells that carries the oxygen, so this is not good to be low. Hematocrit is the part of the blood that is made up of whole red blood cells. My blood is only 28% red blood cells. Not good. It's supposed to be closer to 40%-45%. MCV measures the average size of your red blood cells. Mine is low, so my cells are too small. MCH and MCHC both measure the amount and concentration of hemoglobin in the blood. Again, mine is too low. On a good note, my thyroid checked out ok and well within normal range. So that's good.

Wow, this B12 injection site really hurts. It's hard to concentrate. It's very sore. It was cold, and I'm sitting on my butt right now, so I'm putting pressure on it too. But it still hurts. Sorry, my ADD kicked in there. I will try harder to be more accountable with my food today and not let Aunt Flow and my stress dictate my diet. Though I really wish I wasn't so tired.

My Children are Killing My Diet

Right now they are grating on my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard.....Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but I need a break. I haven't had a real break in....I don't even remember when. My son has not had a nap and refuses to take one, yet he is listening to me about like a deaf-mute and getting into and destroying everything. And my daughter and my son are both whining and hollering and fussing over and about everything! I have a massive headache. I tried to give myself a five minute time out (more than that and they would destroy the whole house!), but that definitely did not work, especially since I could still hear them bickering and whining. I have ADD, for real, so I cannot concentrate and can't get anything done around here. I told my fiance that I wanted to go to Sweet Tomatoes to eat dinner, but I think I will nix that idea. I can't go with a toddler who hasn't slept and a four year old in a bad mood. I think I would run out of the restaurant and just keep running. Gimped up foot or not. So I caved. I went back to my tried and trusted way of dealing with stress...I ate. I ate foods I shouldn't be eating. And they tasted so good and I felt better for about five minutes, which was more relief than I had from anything else. I had a small bag of Doritos and an oatmeal cookie. I know...terrible for my diet. I totally killed my whole day of dieting for five minutes of relief. But I am still debating on whether it was worth it or not. I am that frustrated/annoyed/stressed. I just do not have anything that relieves my stress to any degree other than eating. It's pathetic...sad even. My fiance says, "Get a hobby." But I don't know what I want to do. I lose interest in things so quickly. Plus I feel like it would cause more stress because the kids would keep me from doing my hobby, or my son would destroy whatever I was working on. I need to make school my hobby (I'm getting behind) but it's so hard to concentrate with the kids yelling and me constantly getting on them about things. I know my life isn't that hard, especially compared to others' lives, so why does it feel so incredibly impossible most of the time? I just don't understand.

4/15/13...Yummy Lunch!

Kimchee, Noodles and Veggies

Yummy Lunch... Thanks to Oma!
My lunch today was delicious! I think I may have eaten more than a normal portion. I'm not sure. This was a combination of dishes that my fiance's mother made while she was here. My son did eat several bites of my food, so that took away a few calories. And I did stop eating when I was full, even though I hated to waste the food! This food was sooooooooooooo good! I am really appreciative that she made so many good dishes for us to have. She also showed me how to make them! My fiance is loving that! He is going to want me to make it all the time now! Maybe I've gotten myself into a bit of trouble with that one! I will try not to complain too much (as I'm stuffing my face with food)! Oh, and for those that don't know, Oma is Korean for Mom.

I can tell you what the ingredients of this lunch were. However, when it comes to nutritional value, I would really just be guessing and I'd probably be way off. So if anyone makes this for themselves, they would have to portion it out with their own values of the products that they buy. That being said, I had Kimchee, very spicy and homemade. I had bean sprouts that had been sauteed previously in sesame oil, soy sauce, and garlic. I also had sweet potato noodles (also known as glass noodles) and spinach that had previously been sauteed in sesame oil, soy sauce and garlic. I topped that with raw green onions. It was totally delicious!

Accountability starting now...April 15, 2013 - Breakfast

My breakfast of champions! With water of course!

My Breakfast for today!
I am excited to start truly being accountable for myself and my eating today! I have said in the past many, many times...countless really...that I would take photos of my food. That makes me super accountable for myself. Now that I have this blog going, I am finally doing it! I feel empowered by it a bit. I feel like I am doing something good for myself and maybe someone else out there will be inspired to do something healthy for themselves as well. And believe me, if I can do it....anyone can! Not to mention, in the past, I have made some delicious food sometimes, but could not replicate it for the life of me! Now, if I break all of it down on my blog, including recipes when needed, then I will have it forever! Ha ha ha ha ha! Take that ADD! (I totally have ADD and am always looking for ways to combat it.) Anyway, enough rambling...on to the food!

My wonderful breakfast today consisted of toast, strawberries and cream cheese. Let me break it all down for you (and for myself if I ever want to repeat this breakfast).

Two slices of Nature's Own Honey Wheat Bread, toasted
80 calories, 0.5 g fat, 130 mg sodium, 19 g carbs, 2 g sugar, 6 g fiber, 5 g protein

One wedge of Laughing Cow Strawberry Cream Cheese Spread
45 calories, 4 g fat, 110 mg sodium, 2 g carbs, 1 g sugar, 0 g fiber, 2 g protein

3/4 cup of Fresh Strawberries, Sliced
37 calories, 0 g fat, 2 mg sodium, 9 g carbs, 5.5 g sugar, 2.5 g fiber, 1 g protein

I also had water to drink this morning. About 16 ounces. I won't bother with the nutritional value for that!

Grand Total for Breakfast:
162 calories, 4.5 g fat, 242 mg sodium, 30 g carbs, 8.5 g sugar, 8.5 g fiber, 8 g protein

Back to Life

Well, my fiance's mother came to visit and has already left. Her visit was short, but nice. We got along quite well and everyone had a good time. My daughter and son loved having her around. I have to say that the apartment is very quiet now that she is gone. Her adopted adult son came with her. That is a long story for another time. But anyway, he is so nice. I really like him and the kids do too. It was a pretty good weekend.

Well, my diet kind of went to crap during the weekend, but I'll be back on track tomorrow. I'm going to get my B12 shot in the morning again and back to drinking lots of water. The only thing I don't get is that while I was on the diet and drinking all the water, I gained two pounds. Then Friday I didn't do the diet and didn't drink my water and lost three pounds. I don't get it! I will be going back to the weight loss clinic on Tuesday, so I will ask them what is up. Especially if it starts happening again when I start back up. I hope my lab results are in by then too. I would like to know if there is anything wrong, or if I should be changing my diet according to my lab results. We shall see.

Tomorrow I am also going to try to start taking photos of my meals. My fiance's mother taught me some Korean recipes (she is Korean), so I will be eating more of that now. It is delicious, and besides the salt content (which I can substitute with low sodium soy sauce and salt substitute), it is pretty healthy. Lots and lots and lots of vegetables, lean meats and flour-less noodles. I had already told her that I was trying to lose weight and wanted our family to eat healthier. She showed up with half a year's worth of food from the Korean Markets in Atlanta, Georgia. I definitely appreciate it!

Well, I'm off to bed soon. Gotta get up early for that B12 shot! Goodnight!

Visitor

My fiance just informed me that his mother is coming to town for a few days and she is staying with us. I don't have a problem with that. However, she called and told him that she left about an hour ago. Talk about short notice. I guess she will be here late, late tonight or early, early tomorrow. How about a heads up next time? She is kind of notorious for that though.

Also, I just know that with her here, my diet is out the window. She is Korean and LOVES to eat. She is the only person I know that restaurant hops. Seriously. She does. She brought us along a couple times. It was crazy. Three consecutive restaurants in one night! And Korean food is soooooooooooooooooo good!!! But it is loaded with sodium and sugar which are both big no-no's on this diet. It's a good thing I didn't do the HCG yet because they told me that you'd basically be throwing away your money if you get the injections and then don't follow the diet strictly. So we'll see how this goes.

Snacking During the Day

Wow...Not snacking during the day is hard. I'm a grazer, so I'm used to eating all the time. Confining it to meals and two small snacks and keeping all that around 1000 calories is pretty difficult. I admit I've already cheated a little and snack a bit this afternoon. I was just so hungry! But now it is time for my scheduled snack and I'm not sure if I should eat it or skip it since I cheated. But I am hungry. And I don't want to overeat at dinner. So I'm thinking that eating my snack (1/2 cup skim milk and a small banana) would be better than overeating at dinner tonight. I will try to remember to take photos of the meal and post it tonight!

My Meals

I was just thinking, as I looked at my pretty plate of food, that I should take photos of my meals and post them here! You can't get much more accountable than that! I am loving this blog! I can put down ideas and not forget them!!!

Jillian Michaels Level 2...and diet...and Life

So I had already done Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred Level 1 for two weeks. Even though I have skipped two weeks, maybe three. I didn't want to start over, so I did Level 2 today. O...M...G...That was intense! I was sweating and panting like crazy! Getting my water in should be no problem after that! If I do that for two weeks along with this diet and the supplements, I am BOUND to see a difference.

So far the diet has been kind of restricting because all of the foods are fat free and sugar free. I am just not used to the taste of that. But it's really not bad...just different. I am going to make a template for my diet based on the one that was provided to me by the weight loss clinic. I am going to include exercise and water intake on that template so that I can get a good overall picture of what I am doing. That way, if i stop losing, or if I just have a bad week, I can look back to a good one and try to fix it. I really hope I can stick to this. I really want to lose weight and too look good in a bathing suit! I hope I can wear one of my swimsuits in a couple of weeks on the camping trip and not be totally embarrassed! LOL (We are camping on a beach area...well right next to it) Plus I really want to be around for a long time for my kids.

I also want to exude confidence and show them how to be confident. I do not want them to suffer the fate I had growing up with no self confidence. It has followed me into adulthood and I am still trying to shake it. It has shaped who I am, and in some ways that is good and in ways it is bad. I missed out on a lot of opportunities and I have had people use me and abuse me because of it. I really want to overcome that. It triggers my depression and kills my sense of self worth. And the craziest part is that for the most part it stems from my negative self image because of my weight. Well, that and my insane need for perfection. But that I have tamed quite a bit, so I think I can get over that.

Perhaps a Camping Trip

I have been trying to think of a way to connect with my fiance. I know that he would love to take a camping trip. In the 8+ years we have been together, he has never done it. Mostly because I didn't want to. I used the excuse that I wanted indoor plumbing! LOL Pretty good excuse, huh? Well, I can't use that anymore because most camping sites around Tampa actually do have plumbing. You have a faucet that you can use at your camp site, plus they have bathrooms and shower buildings in close proximity. Plus, I think that the kids would love it. I want to surprise him with it next weekend. My plan is to go early Friday morning and reserve a site on the water (and near bathrooms of course!) and then surprise him with the trip when he gets home. I hope it turns out well and we all have fun. It will suck if we fight or if the kids are miserable. I still have to purchase camping supplies for the trip. I also went ahead and booked a camping site at Fort De Soto for his birthday weekend in July. So if this goes well, we will all be taking a camping trip then. If not, then he might be going alone. We shall see.

End of Day Thoughts

Well I survived day one of the diet. I did eat a couple bites of mac & cheese and a couple bites of an oatmeal cookie. Definitely wasn't supposed to do that. But that's okay. I took the vitamin and metabolic enhancer. It made me a little shaky, but I had lots of energy.

My fiance and I had a discussion tonight and after an hour of talking, I have no idea what it was about. He does that sometimes. It started as a discussion about school work and how we each learn best. And somehow it ended way off from that. I won't get into it, because I'm not even sure where it ended to tell the truth.

I'm just not sure about our relationship at all anymore. I know I love him and he loves me. But we've lost that connection somewhere along the line. With two kids, full time job, school work and just life in general, we just don't really click anymore. It's both of our faults (is that how you say that?). I think we both just take each other for granted. I feel like he doesn't understand me sometimes. I know that my thinking can be irrational, but if you have a little patience with me, I will see that. But if you don't, I just dig my heels in deeper. Ah, the complications of life and relationships.

First Post on My Blog...Blogger Virgin

Okay. So I'm starting a blog. I hope this helps me to vent and to just get things off my chest sometimes without being judged. I don't have any friends to speak of, so whoever reads this blog can be my virtual friend I suppose. That's kind of sad isn't it? LOL And I just laughed at it...what does that say about me? Well, I have to go make dinner so I will write a real post later. Ta-ta!